I guess I should say, I don't know if I am actually infertile....as I have unexplained infertility...this is actually a medical term, if you can believe. We have decided after over a year of unsuccessfully trying that adoption will be our method of raising a family and to be honest, I am really excited.
I am not even going to try to blue sky this, I am really looking forward to this new process and stopping this terrible merry go round that has put strain on our bank account and our marriage this last year.
I literally woke up one morning a couple of months ago and said I am not doing this anymore.
- I am not putting these hormones in my body any longer
- I am not gonna gain weight in my belly like i swallowed something
- I am not gonna try to deal with the anxiety and the stress every cussword month and analyze every single difference in my body which leads to illusion of grandeur.
I could go on and on. Lets be honest here, I am 40 and have never been pregnant. Just because I became pregnant doesnt guarantee I was to stay pregnant. Or deliver a baby with needs bigger than my own, which at 40 may or not been something we were equipped to deal with mentally.
So, with my husband on board we have made a fair and balanced decision that works for us. Like my best friend says, we will be parents-this is no doubt. So I look forward to sharing some of my adoption journey with you.
What doesn't stop is the utter rudeness of people when it comes to this matter. I promise bodily harm for the next person who shrugs when you tell them your new path and smiles real big like they are the first person to think of this and say well THAT is when you will get pregnant, and then continue to tell me the wives tale of someone who knew someone that this happened to them.
I also am shying away from birthday parties and baby showers for a while. Last month, we were getting ready to go to my nephews birthday party which is normally a fun family day. For some reason, I told my husband that I didnt really feel like going. No sooner than walking in, a family friend who hasnt seen me since my wedding ran over, GRABBED my belly and said Do you have a baby yet? And when I blinked a whole bunch and said No, she digged back in and said WELL WHY NOT??
So there is that. And my friend (who I am happy for) who had sex on her honeymoon a bunch and boom got pregnant...or the checkout girl at Publix this week who was asked if she was going to have any more children shrugged and said, I don't know, maybe....like it is that easy. So I know that this feeling of anguish won't necessarily go away anytime soon but it will be nice to have a new focus and a new journey..and it will be nice to share it with you.