Fertility is No Joke

I have been struggling lately and sadly for you, you have to hear about it. Just like every breakup that I have ever had, I have penned quite the letter to send them away...the boy and the feelings of anger, hurt, etc.. I never sent it, and sometimes I would keep it just to remind myself, in ten months is this gonna matter? Raw emotion that make you a little psycho but it gives you a clean slate to move on.
I am a control freak, I am used to going out and getting what I want. I have been disappointed plenty, for sure...but there was always another option to get it done....if that doesn't pan out I would just shift direction or focus. When I had my brain surgery, it changed a lot about my behavior. I sometimes wonder why some of my friends still stick with me. Everything is now black and white, there is no gray area. Sometimes that comes off as not as kind as you would think. Don't get me wrong I am not a complete asshole, I have a huge heart and would give the shirt off my back if you needed. Helping people and making them happy fulfills me. But, sometimes I look at things and vocalize my honest and sometimes not "to be unkind" perspective. Anyway, I am digressing....so when you want something you go to get it, right? I want a baby.
Things we know
Don't have sex without a condom, you will get pregnant! 
First Comes Love Then Comes Marriage then comes Darlynn with the baby carriage.

Things people have said to me
Why is a woman at a funeral I have never met asking me when we are gonna have children?
Just relax and don't stress and you will become pregnant.
You are thinking about it too much
Just have a lot of sex and then you will get pregnant 

Today will begin the fifth month of fertility treatment. It hasn't been aggressive, only last month did we seek a fertility specialist and I am really glad that we did. As much as I worship (no, really) worship my OBGYN-she will be ready when I get pregnant...a FIRM (thats the name, how cool) that specializes and this makes me feel confident.
This was our first IUI, and I had such high hopes. For a clockwork girl I spent twelve hours yesterday being pretty happy....not so fast said my stupid body. And it failed. And I feel like I have failed. And everyone who is been so great and supportive and been waiting on every moment for this journey, I have failed them too. There is so many people vested because the first new person you see, how is married life, are you all having children...wait you are not drinking-ARE YOU PREGNANT?
 Someone HAS to write a book to make people STOP doing that.
 It would be great and I would do it again and again if I wasnt so physically ill all month long. Or bloated. On top of feeling like a 60 year old woman with hot flashes, I have gained six lbs and none of my pants fit properly.
Because I refuse to be doom and gloom for very long...let me think hard of the positive...I have strengthened bonds with people that I would have never expected. It has been good for our marriage to take this journey and not in that boom chicka bow wow you think (because that scheduled nonsense is the worst). Oh, and I have learned so much about Biology that high school or college could ever teach me. My kitty cat hasn't left my side in twelve hours, so there is that to fall back on...and my incredible mood swings have given me an opportunity to say things that are on my mind without apology.
Oh, and my 40th and a NYC trip will go forth without wondering if I will be tired or sick-Woo Bonus!

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